Fearing for their children’s futures, parents search for universal parenting techniques that will put their kids on the route to a prosperous job and a happy life. But times are changing, and the old principles of success are no longer relevant. Sometimes, parents’ actions, intended to be helpful, can actually create challenges for their children’s future.
1. Not allowing their kid to fail
Perfectionist parent often strives for perfection themselves, leading them to expect increasing levels of perfection from their child as they grow older — from the child’s artwork never being good enough to their bed not being made perfectly or not studying hard enough. The child faces constant criticism and reprimands but is never allowed to learn from their mistakes. Children of perfectionist parents may grow up to be perfectionists themselves or develop low self-esteem and lack confidence. Both outcomes can negatively impact their future careers.
- Anna’s mother always compared her to Mary, saying, “Look how tidy Mary is compared to you, Anna!” Despite Anna’s efforts to emulate Mary, she never measured up, and her mother’s criticism only intensified. Anna’s mother never allowed her the chance to improve her habits and learn basic skills. Now at 25 years old, Anna still compares herself to others and always comes up short in her own eyes. Needless to say, this constant comparison has taken a toll on her self-esteem.
2. Paying a child for good grades
This topic remains a subject of debate, but consider this perspective: imagine yourself as a contractor continually paying more for a product or service, with the child as the supplier providing it in exchange for money or rewards. It doesn’t sound like a good idea, does it?
- Alexandra’s parents sought to motivate their daughter to excel in her studies by offering money as an incentive. Initially, Alexandra’s grades improved, suggesting the approach was effective. However, her parents later discovered that she had been fabricating stories about an imaginary illness and sharing them with her teachers. She even falsely claimed that her parents constantly criticized her for poor grades. The sympathetic teacher then raised Alexandra’s grades out of pity. Following this incident, Alexandra’s parents discontinued the practice of paying for grades and sought guidance from a child psychologist.
3. Preventing their child from expressing their feelings
Sometimes, adults dismiss a child’s feelings as wrong — insisting that bruises don’t hurt, feeling anger toward a child who hit them is shameful, or being sad even with a valid reason is incorrect. Parents often do this with good intentions, wanting to teach their children proper behavior. However, it’s crucial to recognize that a fundamental skill for modern individuals is the ability to acknowledge and manage their feelings, emotions, and needs.
- Kate, now 37, vividly remembers how her mother forced her to give away her beloved doll to another girl, admonishing her for being “greedy” and scolding her for getting upset over a “stupid toy.” Kate never got her doll back. Over the years, she has worked hard to assert herself, learning to say “no” to demanding people, including her boss and coworkers. Despite this, Kate often feels guilty whenever she refuses to comply with their requests.
4. Failing to support their child in front of strangers
Every child needs the assurance that their parents will stand up for them in any conflict, regardless of the situation, and won’t blindly trust the words of authority figures like teachers, principals, or neighbors. When parents allow their children to speak up for themselves when they are ready to take responsibility for their actions, it helps them develop healthy self-esteem and a sense of personal accountability.
- Maggy was raised by her grandmother, who often said, “But what will other people think?” Although her grandmother loved Maggy and wanted the best for her, she constantly emphasized the importance of public opinion. As a result, Maggy struggles to make her own decisions and even relies on her friends’ opinions when choosing something as simple as dessert.
5. Drawing inspiration and comparing to successful people
Each generation has its own set of heroes whom young people aspire to emulate. In recent decades, the tales of personal success from wealthy and influential individuals have become widespread. However, it’s not as simple as learning their life story and achieving happiness. If it were that easy, everyone who reads their books would have solved all their financial problems by now.
- Alex developed a passion for computers from a young age. Inspired by the story of Steve Jobs that his dad shared with him, Alex immersed himself in learning everything about Apple. When it came time to choose a university, Alex initially believed he didn’t need higher education because Steve Jobs succeeded without it. Eventually, Alex realized the importance of education for his path and pursued college to advance his career. Now, Alex jokes, “What worked for Steve Jobs is just a waste of time for an ordinary guy like me.”
6. Pressuring their child to decide on their future career
The notion that a person should stick to one career for their entire life is likely outdated and impractical. Many modern occupations didn’t exist a decade ago, while others have already become obsolete.
- Since childhood, Max had a passion for exploring computers and understanding various software programs. Despite his parents’ concerns, he pursued this interest and eventually discovered online courses in software testing. Now, he is thriving in this field, leveraging his potential and skills.
- Laura, at 37, worked as a sociologist for a major consulting firm but found it challenging to maintain her career after having her son. During maternity leave, she rediscovered her love for photography. Starting with unique photos of her child, Laura progressed to offering photoshoots for friends’ and acquaintances’ kids. Over time, she opened her photo studio. Laura now earns as much as her husband and successfully manages her professional life while caring for her family. This shift exemplifies the evolving nature of careers and the importance of embracing new opportunities.
7. Arguing about money
Since children may absorb long-lasting messages from these circumstances, it’s crucial to avoid arguing about money or other matters in front of them. Instead of one-on-one conflicts, which can cause youngsters to take sides and become distressed, talks should be led in a way that promotes involvement.
- Chris grew up witnessing his parents argue about money. When he went to college at 17 and moved away, he struggled with managing his finances and spending on unnecessary items. He now fears starting relationships, believing that money is the root cause of his sadness.
8. Prohibiting the child from using social networks
Social networks have become today’s equivalent of the yards and neighborhoods where we used to play as children. Kids can learn valuable skills through computer programs integrated with social media platforms. While parents should remind their kids about online safety rules, depriving children of this experience can be harsh.
- Aria’s mother was surprised to discover that her 10-year-old daughter had learned to create cool videos. Even more surprising was the realization that Aria had learned this skill from using TikTok. Now, creating short videos has become a family hobby for them.
9. Teaching the kid that they have the stuff at home
Many of us recall times when we asked our parents to buy us things, only to hear, “We already have that at home; we don’t need it.” Some parents repeatedly expose their children to such situations, unintentionally discouraging them from getting what they truly need. This pattern can significantly impact their financial habits as adults. On the other hand, constantly satisfying a child’s every need can also have negative effects.
- Jan’s mother often tells him they have things at home and they don’t buy them from the store. Jan has learned to overlook his needs, and with each subsequent request, he withdraws more, knowing not to ask. When Jan grows up and earns his income, money will go towards trivial things because that’s how he’s learned to live.
10. Preventing children from getting into conflicts
The ability to engage with others is perhaps one of the most crucial professional skills one can possess. It’s important not only to help children make friends but also to teach them how to engage in healthy arguments. People often hold differing opinions, and there are various ways to express emotions. The sooner children grasp this concept, the easier their interactions with others will be, including in professional settings.
- Michaela spent her life avoiding conflicts, preferring to agree with others rather than engage in disputes. She believed that someone always had to be the “smarter” one, but this approach proved more harmful than beneficial. One day, Michaela learned about active listening and decided to apply this approach in her professional life. She excelled at paying attention to others’ perspectives while also expressing her feelings when others attempted to take advantage of her. Initially, people found her communication style unconventional, but conflicts with coworkers became more constructive, leading to mutually beneficial resolutions.
11. Helping their child learn to save money
The world is always changing, and old ways of making or saving money might not work anymore. We can’t predict what skills will be valuable in the future economy. That’s why it’s important to teach kids to be flexible and ready for change, not just to save money.
- Emily’s grandfather saved money his whole life “just in case.” But when that “case” finally happened, a financial meltdown made all his investments lose value. Emily saw this while growing up, and now she’s worried the economy could collapse at any time. She believes the best investment is in her skills and knowledge.
12. Trying to build a strong character with the help of sports
While there’s a widespread belief that sports are beneficial for discipline and character development, excessive competitiveness in professional sports can be detrimental to a child’s physical and mental health. This competitiveness can be fueled by both fellow young athletes and coaches. Only a few individuals become champions, and coaches often prioritize these select few, neglecting the rest of the team. Coping with this unfair treatment at a young age can lead to low self-esteem and confusion about alternative life paths if a child must stop playing sports.
- Tom’s mother pursued rhythmic gymnastics as a child but had to abandon her Olympic dreams due to a leg injury. When Tom was three, his mother enrolled him in gymnastics classes, hoping he would excel. However, Tom struggled in this sport, leading him to lose interest in school, feel like a failure, and struggle to identify his strengths. Now, Tom is studying to become a child psychologist to help parents navigate the challenges of raising children without making the same mistakes.
Being protective of your children is natural, but it’s important to set boundaries. Respecting their privacy is crucial for a healthy parent-child relationship and their personal development. Violating their privacy can have serious negative effects, especially on their mental health.
My MIL’s ‘Innocent’ Gift Turned My Life Upside Down
When Linda’s mother-in-law gifted us an orchid for our anniversary, she never expected it to bloom into a saga of suspicion, secrets, and a staged scandal that taught them all a lesson in trust and privacy.
Let me set the scene: it’s me, my husband Mark, his mom Evelyn, and his brother Alex. We’re your average family, I guess, but things have been a bit tense lately.
African American happy family is enjoying in living room | Source: Getty Images
We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. It was supposed to be a happy day, just me and Mark at home, reminiscing and enjoying each other’s company. But then Evelyn showed up with a gift that changed everything.
African american couple sitting on couch, using cellphone | Source: Getty Images
She handed us this beautifully potted orchid, saying it was a rare species and a symbol of our growing love. Now, I know that sounds sweet and all, but with Evelyn, there’s always a catch. Our relationship has been… well, let’s just say complicated.
Pink orchid plant and ornaments in room | Source: Getty Images
I’m a housewife, and I love it, but Evelyn has never really approved of me not having a career. Mark works a lot, and sometimes I feel like Evelyn thinks I’m just lounging around at home all day. She’s the type to call me out of the blue or drop by unannounced, and it always feels like she’s checking up on me, making sure I’m not just wasting my life or her son’s time. So, her giving me this orchid out of the blue? It felt off, like she was up to something more than just a kind gesture.
Mixed Race woman looking sideways | Source: Getty Images
The orchid was gorgeous, no doubt about it. It’s taken a place of pride in our living room, and I can’t deny it’s added a certain elegance to the space. But every time I look at it, I can’t help but wonder about Evelyn’s real intentions. It’s like this beautiful plant has become a symbol of the tension between us.
Woman spraying water on blooming orchid on window sill. Girl taking care of home plants and flowers | Source: Getty Images
Mark thought I was reading too much into it, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. Ever since that orchid arrived, things have felt different. It was like there was an unspoken strain in the air, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. Evelyn’s past behavior didn’t help either. Her “drop-ins” and calls always made me feel like I was under surveillance, and now with this gift, it was like those feelings were magnified.
Portrait of senior woman in hallway of home | Source: Getty Images
I didn’t know, maybe I was overthinking it, but something about this whole situation just didn’t sit right with me.
The orchid has become more than just a decoration in our home. It was like it was watching us, symbolizing not just our marriage but the growing unease between Evelyn and me. Mark and I have been feeling this weird tension, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.
Angry African American couple standing back to back | Source: Getty Images
Well, my instincts were right. The other day, while I was dusting around the living room, I noticed something odd about the orchid. There was a tiny, almost invisible, lens hidden among the flowers. I took a closer look, and my heart dropped. It was a camera lens. Evelyn had been spying on us all this time!
Photographic aperture | Source: Getty Images
I was in shock. I confronted Mark with the discovery, and he was as appalled as I was. We couldn’t believe that his mother would go to such lengths to invade our privacy. It felt like a betrayal, not just to me, but to our family.
Shocked black couple in kitchen having financial problems, doing family budget calculations | Source: Getty Images
After the initial shock wore off, we started to think. We were angry, yes, but we also knew we had a chance to turn this around. Instead of confronting Evelyn right away, we came up with a plan to teach her a lesson about respect and boundaries.
Close-up portrait of friends against red wall | Source: Getty Images
We decided to stage scenes in front of the camera, knowing Evelyn was watching. Mark’s brother, Alex, was in town, and he agreed to help us out. He’s always been a good sport and understood why we needed to do this. We started with harmless stuff, like pretending to argue over silly things or staging romantic dinners with exaggerated affection, just to see how Evelyn would react.
Happy black couple talking during morning at home | Source: Getty Images
But we knew we needed something big, a real showstopper, to make our point clear. So, we plotted a scene that would make Evelyn think she had caught us in a scandalous situation. We were going to make it look like I was having an affair with Alex. It sounds crazy, I know, but we were desperate to show her how invasive and wrong her spying was.
Shot of a young couple standing together and sharing an intimate moment at home | Source: Getty Images
The night of the dinner, everyone was there: Mark, me, Evelyn, Alex, and a few other relatives. The atmosphere was tense, at least for us, knowing what was about to unfold. Evelyn seemed unusually smug, which made my stomach churn, but I kept my cool.
Senior woman using smartphone in living room of suburban home | Source: Getty Images
Halfway through the dinner, Evelyn couldn’t hold back her triumph any longer. She announced that she had something to show everyone. My heart raced as she connected her laptop to the TV, playing the video she had recorded through the orchid’s hidden camera.
Senior woman paying bills with laptop and smartphone at home | Source: Getty Images
The footage started with me calling Alex, making it seem like we were planning a secret rendezvous while Mark was at work. Our conversation was ambiguous, hinting at something more, and then it showed Alex arriving at our house, and both of us disappearing out of the camera’s view.
Young couple cooking at home and celebrating Saint Valentine | Source: Getty Images
You could have heard a pin drop as the video played. Evelyn was practically gloating, thinking she had caught us in an affair. The looks of shock and disbelief on everyone’s faces were painful, but Mark and I held onto each other, ready for the grand finale.
Distraught military veteran talks with counselor | Source: Getty Images
After the incriminating part ended, I stood up, my heart pounding. I calmly walked to the TV, flash drive in hand, and replaced Evelyn’s laptop with mine. I hit play, and the room watched the rest of the footage. There we were, Alex and I, standing next to the TV in the video, laughing and clearly setting up the scene, with a romantic comedy playing in the background to provide the love confessions heard in Evelyn’s video.
Shot of a happy young couple watching tv together at home | Source: Getty Images
Silence filled the room as everyone processed what they were seeing. I turned to Evelyn and said, “We knew about the camera. This was all staged to show you how it feels to have your privacy invaded.”
Self assured proud African American woman has blonde hairstyle satisfied with her own high achievements, points with two hands at herself, or at a t-shirt for printing, isolated over pink background | Source: Getty Images
Evelyn’s face went from triumphant to mortified in seconds. The realization of her actions and their repercussions hit her hard. She tried to stammer out an apology, but the damage was done. The family was in shock, not just at our staged act, but at the lengths Evelyn had gone to spy on us.
Portrait of woman (60yrs) sitting on couch at home | Source: Getty Images
After the video was shown, Evelyn was visibly shaken. She looked like she had been hit by a truck of reality. Before she left the gathering, she managed to apologize. Her words were few, but I could tell they were heavy with regret. She whispered a sorry to us, especially to Mark and me, acknowledging the breach of trust her actions had caused. It was a humbling moment for everyone.
Portrait of a beautiful mixed race senior woman in her home | Source: Getty Images
In the days that followed, there was an unspoken tension in the air. However, something unexpected happened; the incident opened up a new channel of communication within our family. Mark and I had long discussions about our boundaries, privacy, and how we want to move forward. We agreed that while what Evelyn did was unacceptable, it was a wake-up call for all of us to respect each other’s space and privacy.
Angry young couple sit on couch in living room having family fight | Source: Getty Images
Evelyn reached out to us a few days later. She wanted to talk. It was a difficult conversation, full of awkward pauses and emotional apologies. But it was necessary. She admitted to her fear of losing her son and her misconceptions about me. It was clear that this incident, as painful as it was, sparked a significant change in her.
Senior couple has serious discussion about home finances | Source: Getty Images
As for the family dynamics, they have surprisingly improved. This ordeal, while initially causing a rift, eventually led to a stronger bond between us. We’ve had family meetings to clear the air and set new boundaries that everyone respects. It’s like we all grew from this experience, learning the importance of trust and privacy.
Young mixed race couple talking in coffee shop | Source: Getty Images
Mark and I, in particular, have become a stronger unit. This situation tested our relationship, but we came out of it more united. We realized the importance of standing together, not just as a couple but as partners in everything that life throws our way.
Portrait of Young Couple Outdoors | Source: Getty Images
Evelyn has been more mindful of her actions. She’s learning to trust us and respect our space, and I can see a genuine effort on her part to mend our relationship. It’s a slow process, but it’s happening, and that’s what matters.
Senior African-American woman looking through window | Source: Getty Images
In conclusion, what started as a suspicious gift turned into a lesson in boundaries, trust, and family dynamics for all of us. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions, but I believe we’re heading towards a better understanding of each other.
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