Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
Animal Bones Started Appearing on My Doorstep — I Set Up a Security Camera to Find Out What It Meant
When animal bones started appearing on my doorstep, my husband dismissed it as a prank. But as they kept coming, fear crept in. I set up a hidden camera to catch the culprit, and what it revealed was far more chilling than I ever imagined.
At 34, what more could I ask for? I had a loving husband who still looked at me like I was his whole world and two beautiful children who filled our days with laughter and sticky kisses. Life was perfect until we moved into that house. George said it was a steal, but from day one, something felt wrong.
A house surrounded by trees | Source: Unsplash
The first week in the new house felt like wearing someone else’s shoes. Everything was just slightly off.
Our neighbors kept their distance, barely managing a nod when we waved. Even the kids seemed to hurry past our yard.
The streets felt eerily quiet like everyone was holding their breath, waiting for something to happen.
An empty street | Source: Pexels
“They’re just not used to new faces,” George said, wrapping his arms around me as we watched another neighbor hurry past without a glance. “Give it time, Mary.”
“I don’t know, George. Something feels different here. Did you see Mrs. Peterson literally run inside when I tried to say hello? And the way Mr. Johnson shields his kids whenever they walk past our house?”
“Honey, you’re overthinking it. We left a tight-knit community. This is just an adjustment period. Remember how long it took us to feel at home in our old place?”
I wanted to believe him, but there was something eerie in the air here that made my skin crawl.
Side view of an anxious woman | Source: Midjourney
Our six-year-old daughter Emma refused to sleep in her new room, claiming she heard whispers in the walls. Our four-year-old son Tommy, who usually slept like a rock, kept waking up crying, begging to leave “the scary house.”
Then came that first morning. I stepped out to install our new mailbox, breathing in the crisp morning air, when I saw a neat pile of animal bones right on our doorstep.
They looked freshly cleaned, arranged in a deliberate circular pattern. My hands trembled as I dropped the mailbox with a clang.
A pile of animal bones arranged in a circular pattern on a doorstep | Source: Midjourney
“George!” I shrieked. “George, come here! Right now!”
He rushed out, still in his pajama pants, almost tripping over the doorframe. “What’s wrong, hon?” His face fell as he saw the bones. “Just neighborhood kids playing pranks. Has to be.”
“Kids? What kind of kids play with bones?” I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling suddenly cold despite the warm morning sun. “This isn’t normal, George. Nothing about this place is normal. First the neighbors, now this?”
A startled woman | Source: Midjourney
“Come on, let’s clean this up before Emma and Tommy see it,” he said, already reaching for the garden shovel. “We got a great deal on this house, Mary. Don’t let some stupid prank ruin it.”
“A great deal? Maybe there’s a reason for that.”
The next morning, more bones appeared. Larger ones this time, arranged in a perfect circle.
I stood at the door, coffee mug shaking in my hands, while George examined them. The morning dew made them glisten ominously in the early light.
A startled woman at the doorway | Source: Midjourney
“This isn’t funny anymore,” I said, pacing our kitchen. “We need to do something. What if the kids see these? What if they’re from something dangerous? I found Emma collecting them yesterday… she thinks they’re from a dinosaur!”
George ran his fingers through his hair, a habit when he’s worried. “Okay, okay. Let’s talk to the neighbors. Someone must know something. This has to stop.”
“I told Tommy not to play in the front yard anymore. What kind of mother tells her child that about their own home? I can’t keep them prisoners inside forever, George.”
A worried man | Source: Midjourney
“Hey, hey,” he pulled me close, his cologne failing to mask the worry in his voice. “We’ll figure this out. Together. Like we always do, okay?”
We spent the afternoon knocking on doors. Most people barely cracked them open, offering nothing but blank stares and quick head shakes.
One woman slammed the door in our faces when we mentioned our address. The sound echoed down the empty street like a gunshot.
A man ringing a doorbell | Source: Pexels
Then we met Hilton. He lived two houses down, in a weathered Victorian villa with overgrown bushes and peeling paint. Unlike the others, he opened his door wide and was almost eager to talk.
“Oh, you bought the Miller place?” His eyes grew wide, almost gleaming. “Shouldn’t have done that. That house… it’s not right.”
“What do you mean it’s not right?” I stepped closer, despite George’s warning hand on my arm.
A man staring at someone | Source: Midjourney
Hilton leaned in, his voice dropping to a whisper. “There’s something in that house. Something dark. The previous owner… he knew. That’s why he—” He trailed off, shaking his head.
“You should leave. While you can. Before it claims you too.”
“Mary, let’s go,” George tugged at my arm. “This guy’s just trying to scare us.”
“The bones will keep coming,” Hilton called after us. “They always do. They’re a warning! Get out of there before it’s too late.”
A terrified woman | Source: Midjourney
I couldn’t sleep that night. George held me close, whispering reassurances, but nothing helped.
Emma had crawled into our bed around midnight, claiming she heard scratching in the walls. Tommy joined us an hour later, sobbing about scary shadows in his closet.
The next morning, we found a pile of bones in our fireplace. They were scattered across the hearth, some still warm to the touch, as if they’d been dropped down recently.
A pile of bones in a fireplace | Source: Midjourney
“That’s it,” I said, my hands shaking as I made coffee. “We’re putting up cameras. I don’t care what it costs. Someone is doing this, and we’re going to catch them.”
“Already ordered them,” George replied, showing me his phone. “They’ll be here tomorrow. Best rated online, with night vision and motion sensors. Nothing will get past these.”
“What if it’s really something supernatural?” I whispered, glancing at the kids eating breakfast. “What if Hilton’s right? What if there’s something wrong with this house?”
“Then we’ll deal with it,” George said firmly. “But first, we need proof of what’s actually happening. No more speculation, no more fear. We get facts.”
A terrified woman holding her face | Source: Midjourney
As we set up the hidden cameras behind the porch plants and on the tree in the backyard that night, George squeezed my hand. “Whatever this is, we’ll face it together. Like we always have.”
“Promise?” I asked, feeling like a scared child.
“Promise. Now let’s get some sleep. Tomorrow, we’ll have answers.”
The next morning, I woke to more bones on the porch and immediately grabbed my phone. My hands trembled as I opened the security app.
A woman holding a smartphone | Source: Pexels
The footage was clear as day. Hilton, our concerned neighbor, was sneaking up our driveway at 3 a.m. and scattering bones from a cloth bag.
Another clip showed him on our roof, dropping more down the chimney. The timestamp showed 3:47 a.m., his face clearly visible in the infrared light.
“I’m calling the police,” George angrily said, grabbing his phone. “That sick moron’s been terrorizing our family. All his talk about the house being cursed… he was just trying to scare us away!”
A man holding a bag of animal bones | Source: Midjourney
When the officers arrived and arrested Hilton, his wife broke down in tears.
“He’s obsessed,” she sobbed, seeing the footage on my phone. “The previous owner, Mr. Miller, told him about some treasure before he died. Hilton’s been having dreams about it. He thought if he scared you away—”
“A treasure?” I almost laughed. “He traumatized my family over a treasure? My kids haven’t slept well through the night in weeks!”
“He needs help,” his wife gasped. “He hasn’t been the same since Mr. Miller died. The talk of treasure consumed him.”
A stunned woman seeing a smartphone | Source: Midjourney
After Hilton was arrested, we decided to check the basement ourselves. George led the way with a flashlight, while I followed close behind.
“Stay close to me,” he said, testing each step on the old stairs. “Some of these boards look pretty worn.”
The basement was exactly what you’d expect — dark, musty, and full of cobwebs.
To our surprise, we found a wooden chest under a loose floorboard, just where Hilton had suspected. Inside weren’t gold bars or precious gems, but old copper candlesticks and vintage jewelry, tarnished with age but still beautiful.
Antique items in a wooden chest | Source: Midjourney
“They’re family heirlooms,” the previous owner’s daughter explained when we called her. “Dad was always talking about them, but we thought he was confused in his final days. They belong in a museum. Thank you for finding them.”
That night, George and I sat on our porch swing, watching the stars. Emma and Tommy were finally sleeping peacefully in their rooms, the house quiet except for the gentle creaking of the swing.
“Can you believe all this?” I asked, leaning into his warmth. “A grown man playing ghost with animal bones, all for what? Some old candlesticks and antique jewelry?”
“People do crazy things for money, honey. But hey, at least we know our house isn’t haunted!”
A woman lost in deep thought | Source: Midjourney
I laughed, finally feeling at home. “No, just visited by a bone-scattering neighbor with treasure fever!”
“Who’s safely behind bars now,” George added, pulling me closer. “And our kids can play in the yard again. That’s what matters.”
As George and I were getting ready for bed, we heard that familiar scratching sound in the walls. But this time, instead of fear, I was curious. Following the noise, we found an orange tabby cat slipping through Emma’s open window, purring contentedly.
“Well, would you look at that!” George chuckled, watching the cat make himself at home on the table.
A tabby cat | Source: Unsplash
I squeezed George’s hand, remembering all those sleepless nights. “So this is what was keeping our kids up? A neighbor’s cat?”
“Looks like we solved the last mystery of the house!” he said, wrapping an arm around me.
Sometimes I still check our doorstep first thing in the morning, just in case. Old habits die hard, I guess. But now when I look at our house, I don’t see a mistake or a source of fear. I see home, complete with our occasional feline visitor, who’s always more welcome than bone-scattering neighbors.
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