John and Mary were a conservative couple who strongly believed that boys were more important than girls. They had two kids—Junior, their son, and Lydia, their daughter. From the start, they treated Junior as the favorite, giving him more attention and love while ignoring Lydia.
Everyone in their neighborhood knew about John and Mary’s old-fashioned views. They openly favored Junior, thinking that as the son, he deserved everything. Lydia, on the other hand, was often overlooked and made to feel unimportant.
As Lydia grew older, she became tired of being treated this way. Eventually, she decided to leave home to live her own life, away from her parents’ favoritism.
Meanwhile, Junior grew up spoiled and entitled. Since he had always been given whatever he wanted, he didn’t learn responsibility or respect. Over time, he became a burden to John and Mary. He was always in trouble, making their lives difficult.
In the end, the couple realized their mistake. They had pushed away their daughter, who could have brought joy to their lives, and now, they were stuck dealing with the consequences of spoiling their son. Karma had finally caught up to them.
Lydia often felt like she was invisible to her parents, only noticed when chores needed to be done. While Junior was showered with love, gifts, and attention, Lydia’s needs were often dismissed. One day, she approached her mother with a simple request.
“Mom, my last pair of good pants just got ripped,” Lydia said hesitantly. “Can I have some money to buy a new pair?”
Her mother barely looked up. “No, you can’t,” she replied curtly. “We just bought your brother a new PlayStation console, and it wasn’t cheap. You’ll have to make do with what you have for now.”
Lydia stood there in silence, hurt and frustrated. This wasn’t the first time her needs were pushed aside for Junior’s luxuries, and she knew it wouldn’t be the last. While her brother received expensive gifts, she couldn’t even get a basic necessity like clothes. It was clear to Lydia that, in her parents’ eyes, her brother’s happiness mattered more than hers.
As Lydia grew older, her situation only worsened. That same day, her mother handed her a pair of scissors and instructed her to cut off her pants at the knees to hide the tear. “There,” her mother said, satisfied with the quick fix. “Now no one will know.”
This moment was just another reminder of how little her needs mattered in the household. Over time, her brother Junior received even more attention, privileges, and gifts, while Lydia was still expected to do all the chores around the house. She became the family’s housemaid, responsible for cleaning up after everyone and ensuring things ran smoothly.
Junior noticed how much power he had over their parents and quickly began to take advantage of it. He would order Lydia around, treating her like a servant. And when Lydia stood up for herself or got into an argument with him, their parents always took Junior’s side. They punished her to keep him happy, even if he was at fault.
Lydia felt trapped. She was constantly pushed aside and disrespected, but no one seemed to care. All she could do was endure, hoping for a day when things might change.
The tension between Lydia and Junior grew worse as time passed. One day, in a heated argument, Junior let slip the cruelest words Lydia had ever heard from him.
“I hate you, Lydia! It would’ve been better if I were the only child. Then Mom and Dad wouldn’t have to waste time on you!”
Lydia was hurt but refused to back down. “I wish that too, Junior! Then maybe you’d have to clean up your own mess instead of bossing me around, or better yet, let Mom and Dad do it for you!”
Her sharp reply only made Junior angrier. He stormed off, filled with even more resentment. Lydia knew that standing up for herself would always make things harder at home, but she refused to let her brother crush her spirit.
The only time she truly felt peace was during the summers when she stayed with her grandfather. Those visits were her escape from the constant fighting and unfair treatment. Her grandfather treated her with love and respect, giving her the care her parents never did. It was her only reprieve in a world where she felt invisible.
Lydia’s parents barely reacted to her decision to stay longer with her granddad. “Alright, if that’s what you want,” her dad said indifferently. It was clear they were more focused on Junior’s needs and activities, and Lydia staying away seemed to be one less thing for them to worry about.
At her grandfather’s house, Lydia found a new sense of peace and freedom. Her granddad adored her and gave her the love and attention she had always craved. He took her shopping, and for the first time in a long time, Lydia had new clothes that made her feel good about herself. It was a small but powerful gesture that showed her how much her granddad truly cared.
As the days passed, Lydia became more sure of her decision. Life with her grandfather was so much better than the life she had left behind. The thought of returning home to serve her brother and be ignored by her parents no longer appealed to her.
One day, while chatting with her granddad, Lydia made a bold choice. “Grandpa, I don’t want to go back home. I want to stay here with you.”
Her grandfather smiled warmly. “You’re always welcome here, Lydia. This is your home now if you want it to be.”
With that, Lydia finally felt the love and stability she had been missing for so long. She no longer felt like the forgotten child, and for the first time, she felt truly free.
Lydia had hoped her parents would miss her, or at least show some concern, but their enthusiasm for her staying away hurt more than she expected. Their quick agreement, especially her father’s eagerness to send over her things, made it clear how little they valued her presence.
Despite the pain, Lydia chose to focus on the positive aspects of living with her granddad. She thrived under his care, enjoying the freedom to be herself and the love he showered on her. Over time, she stopped waiting for her parents to call. When they did, the conversations were short and felt distant, more like formalities than genuine check-ins.
Their calls, once frequent, eventually dropped to just two per month. Lydia accepted the reality — her parents had always favored her brother, and that wasn’t going to change. But in her grandfather, she found the family she had always deserved, and for the first time, she felt at peace with her new life.
Lydia was heartbroken once again. Her parents had always put Junior first, and now they were denying her a place to stay because they believed in his future as a musician. “So, where am I supposed to go?” she asked, holding back tears.
“Maybe you can stay with your grandpa for a while,” her mother suggested casually. “He’s always been good to you.”
Lydia realized then that no matter how hard she tried, her parents would never prioritize her. It had always been about Junior, and it wasn’t going to change. She hung up the phone, feeling more alone than ever.
Fortunately, her grandfather welcomed her with open arms, just as he always had. He provided her with a place to stay and encouraged her to keep going. “You don’t need them, Lydia. You’ve always been strong, and you’ll make your own way in life,” he told her.
Lydia decided to focus on building her career and future, knowing that her worth wasn’t tied to her parents’ approval. Meanwhile, Junior continued to chase his dreams, with his parents backing him at every step. But fate had other plans for him.
Lydia could sense their sudden change in tone. After years of neglect, her parents were now reaching out—but only because they had heard about the inheritance.
“I’m fine, Dad,” Lydia responded, keeping her emotions in check.
“We heard about your grandpa’s passing, and we’re so sorry we couldn’t make it to the funeral,” her father said. “It must have been a tough time for you. Anyway, we also heard about the inheritance… and we were thinking it would be great if you could share some of that with your family, especially Junior. You know how much potential he has.”
Her mother chimed in, “It would really help him launch his music career. We all made sacrifices for him, Lydia, and this could be your way of helping him succeed.”
Lydia couldn’t believe what she was hearing. After all the years of neglect, they still saw her only as a way to support Junior. But this time, things were different. Lydia had finally learned to value herself, thanks to her grandfather’s love and support.
“I’m sorry, but I won’t be giving any of the money to Junior,” Lydia said firmly. “Grandpa left it to me because he believed in me, not because he wanted me to fund someone else’s dreams. I’m going to use it to build my own life.”
Her parents were taken aback. “Lydia, don’t be selfish,” her mother snapped. “Family helps family.”
Lydia took a deep breath. “Family should support each other, but you never supported me. I’ve spent enough time being ignored and overlooked. Now, it’s my turn to live for myself.”
With that, Lydia hung up, feeling a new sense of freedom. She knew she didn’t need her parents’ approval anymore. She had everything she needed to build a future on her own terms, and she knew her grandpa would be proud.
Lydia was stunned by her mother’s bluntness. After years of being overlooked and neglected, her family’s priorities were clearer than ever. They had never really cared about her—they only saw her as someone to help Junior.
“That’s why you called?” Lydia asked, her voice heavy with disbelief.
“Of course, why else would we call? You’re obviously doing fine,” her mother responded, completely unfazed.
In that moment, Lydia realized that she had been holding on to the hope that her parents would eventually see her worth. But now, it was clear they never would. They only cared about Junior’s success, not her well-being.
“No, Mom,” Lydia said firmly. “I won’t be sending any money. This is the last time you’ll treat me like this.”
Her mother huffed, “Lydia, don’t be ridiculous. Family helps each other.”
“Family *should* help each other,” Lydia replied. “But you’ve only ever helped Junior. I’m done being ignored.”
With that, Lydia hung up the phone and made the decision to cut ties with her family. She moved on with her life, determined to build her future on her own terms, free from the toxic expectations that had weighed her down for so long. It was a difficult choice, but it was the only way she could truly live for herself.
Years after severing ties with her family, Lydia received a surprising call from her parents. They wanted to apologize for the way they had treated her, but Lydia was wary. She suspected there was more to their message.
“Why have you really reached out to me?” Lydia asked, her voice calm but firm.
Her mother’s voice trembled with desperation. “Your brother stole a huge amount of money from the family safe and has disappeared. We are penniless and we need your help!”
Lydia felt a mix of emotions—anger, sadness, and a touch of sympathy. Despite the pain and resentment she had felt over the years, she chose to extend a gesture of forgiveness.
“I’ll send you some money to help you get back on your feet,” Lydia said. “But I need you to understand this: I’m not coming to your aid again. You need to learn from this. I forgive you, but I won’t forget how you treated me.”
Her parents thanked her profusely, but Lydia knew the forgiveness was as much for her own peace of mind as it was for them. She hoped this would be a lesson for them, and she moved forward, determined to maintain her boundaries while continuing to build a life she was proud of.
Never play favorites with your children. John and Mary chose to favor their son, Junior, while neglecting their daughter, Lydia. This favoritism led to Junior becoming spoiled and selfish, eventually causing his parents a great deal of pain.
Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s important. Lydia could have left her parents struggling for all the years they ignored her, but she chose to forgive them and help them financially. By taking the higher road, she maintained her own peace of mind and gave her parents a chance to realize their mistakes. Forgiveness can make a big difference.
Share this story with your friends. It might brighten their day and offer a little inspiration.
23 Backhanded “Compliments” That Are Actually Insults
Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
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