A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
My Parents Invited Me to Dinner to Hand My Late Grandma’s Earrings to My Sister, but That Wasn’t the Worst Part
My Parents Invited Me to Dinner to Hand My Late Grandma’s Earrings to My Sister, but That Wasn’t the Worst Part
I fell in love with an older guy at 20, but despite our ups and downs, I hope he would want something more serious. But instead, I faced heartbreak and a shocking betrayal from my sister.
My story is a strange one. When I was 20, I got involved with a guy who was much older than me. Our situation was complicated; we were on and off for about five years. He never wanted a real relationship, but he knew that I was deeply in love with him. Since he could not give me the stability I needed, I would try to leave, and he would convince me to stay, telling me that life was too short and we should just enjoy our time together.
A couple cooking together | Source: Shutterstock
I found myself stuck, not knowing how to move forward with this guy. So, I turned to my sister for advice, who is now 42. She suggested I leave my things at his place to make him commit, but I didn’t want to force him into falling in love with me. On our last night together, he talked about becoming more serious. He gave me ideas of potential dates, but then he just disappeared.
A woman on her phone at night | Source: Shuttertsock
Six months later, my sister announced she had a new boyfriend and wanted our parents to meet him at a family dinner. It seemed like I was not included in the dinner, so I was prepared to stay in my room for the night.
A woman looking sad while on her phone | Source: Shuttertsock
I decided to order myself a pizza since I was not having dinner with everyone, but when I got downstairs, I was shocked to see it was the same guy I had been with six months ago having dinner with my parents. I paid for the pizza, ran to my room, and cried.
When the dinner was over, I confronted my sister in front of my parents. I was certain she knew who he was, even though they hadn’t met. I had told her everything, from where he lived and worked to showing her his pictures.
A woman sleeping | Source: Shutterstock
I begged her not to date him and choose me over him. My sister saw me struggle to get out of bed from that heartbreak. She knew how difficult the last six months were for me, especially since I never got any closure on why he decided to just disappear.
A family having dinner | Source: Shutterstock
But she defended herself and said they met by chance after we broke up. My sister told me that she was certain he was the one and there was no way she was going to let go of this kind of connection because it comes once in a lifetime. My family also told me to get over it because he and I were never officially together.
Two women arguing | Source: Shutterstock
I decided it was best for me to move out, but my sister continued to live at home. Time passed, and things got more difficult. I was left out of family events because he was there. I didn’t care about him anymore, but I felt my family had let me down. I would only get weekly texts from my father checking in on me.
A woman packing | Source: Pexels
One day my parents invited me over for dinner. I thought this might be a chance for us to talk things over and reconcile, but when I got there, I found out that my sister was six months pregnant and planning to marry my ex-boyfriend.
I do not know what I expected, but I thought the time apart would have been a time for introspection for both my mother and sister. However, it was the opposite. It just seemed like they were out to hurt me.
A woman sitting on the edge of the bed looking sad | Source: Shutterstock
On top of finding out about the pregnancy and marriage, my mother told me that my grandmother’s diamond earrings, which she had trusted my parents to pass down to me, would now be given to my sister because she was the first to get married and about to give them their first grandchild.
A pregnant woman with baby clothes in front of her | Source: Shutterstock
I did not know what was worse. The betrayal was just layered and felt deliberate. My grandmother and I shared a very close relationship, even closer than the one she had with my sister. Those earrings had been in the family for generations, and my sister was meant to get her gold necklace.
Diamond earrings | Source: Pexels
All of this was making me extremely angry because my sister seemed to be constantly getting what was mine. These earrings were special and the one precious thing my grandmother left me. I told my parents they had to give me the earrings or I would stop talking to them. I took the earrings from their house and left. My mom cried and said I was making a big mistake, but I felt I had to stand up for myself.
A woman looking sad | Source: Shutterstock
After that explosive argument, I didn’t talk to my family much. I really felt like I was getting the hang of living on my own and healing from that breakup. I was having fun decorating my home and really turning a new leaf in life.
A woman shocked at her phone | Source: Shutterstock
Then one day, my ex, also my sister’s fiancé, started following me on Instagram, liking my stories, and commenting things like “looking good.” Out of nowhere, my mother called me, calling me all sorts of names and blaming me for going after a man I knew was not mine in the first place.
I was very confused because that was not true. Later down the line, my cousin told me my sister had gone through her fiancé’s phone and found several conversations between him and other women. But my mother decided to blame me for his cheating.
A woman secretly taking her partner’s phone | Source: Shutterstock
A few weeks later, my cousin, who has been the number one gossiper and the one person who keeps me updated on family affairs, told me that my sister had given birth to a baby girl.
A woman with a new born | Source: Shutterstock
I know this might sound shallow, but I went to the hospital wearing my grandmother’s diamond earrings and came with a gift. But I was kicked out. My mother said I was a disgrace to the family and that they wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
A woman smiling | Source: Shutterstock
It hurts that I have had to cut my family off over this whole situation, but so much has been said and done. I think a break will do us good. I will continue to enjoy my life alone. Everything has been falling into place, and I am ready to move on from all of this drama. It’s time for me to be strong and live my life the way I think is right.
Here is another nail-biting story about how a bride found out her husband-to-be was having an affair with her sister.
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