Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
3 Amazing Christmas Stories with Unexpected Twists
Imagine meeting your fiancé’s family for the first time at Christmas, only to find his ex-girlfriend as the guest of honor! This compilation of holiday stories features shocking twists and turns, including a surprise expensive gift, an unexpected Santa, and more.
These families went through some serious things during the festive season. Get ready to uncover what happens when a millionaire disguises himself to meet his in-laws or when a desperate mother tries to tell her kid some bad news on Christmas. Time to restore your faith in the holiday spirit!
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I Went to Meet My Fiancé’s Parents at Christmas, but His Ex Turned It Into a Nightmare
My fiancé, Brian, suggested we spend Christmas with his family. It was bound to happen eventually, considering how serious we were. Plus, I’d never met them before.
We had his family photos displayed at home, and they looked sweet enough, but if only I’d known what was waiting for me there!
As we drove to their house, I was dying of nerves. Brian’s family was old-fashioned, and he’d told me all about their “special traditions.” What he didn’t mention was that one of those traditions involved inviting his ex-girlfriend!
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Their house was HUGE, like a mansion. I knew they had money, but not like this.
I was already feeling intimidated, and then I met his mom, Cora. She was super elegant and put-together, and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.
From the moment we arrived, I just tried to hold myself together. It was obvious I was the odd one out. Also, Cora had already made up her mind about me—or rather, about someone else. She was probably already adjusting the seams of my wedding dress to fit a certain glamorous brunette!
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But I didn’t know that until much later.
Dinner started out like an interrogation.
“So, Sara,” Cora asked, “what do you do?”
I told her I worked in marketing, trying to sound impressive.
“Marketing,” she repeated, making it sound like the most boring job in the world. I felt so self-conscious.
Later, I tried to win them over with my baking skills. I made this amazing pie, a family recipe that everyone always loved. But Cora took one bite and said, “Oh dear, are there nuts in this? I’m allergic to nuts.”
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Funny, because she didn’t even use an Epi-Pen or have any visible reaction. But anyway, I wanted to disappear!
And then, things got worse. Someone came to the door, and Cora introduced this “family friend” named Ashley. This girl was actually Brian’s ex-girlfriend. She was stunning, like straight out of a magazine, and she was all over my fiancé during dinner.
“Brian!” she exclaimed. “Remember that time we went hiking in the mountains? We had so much fun!”
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Meanwhile, Brian just stood there like a statue, completely captivated, while her fake giggles drilled into my ears.
I was seething. I couldn’t believe Cora had invited her, and I definitely couldn’t believe Brian was acting like this was perfectly normal. So, I did something totally impulsive.
I called my ex, Josh, and invited him over.
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When Josh arrived, things got interesting. I saw Brian’s face, but since inviting exes to Christmas was a “family tradition,” I shrugged at him.
Josh and I laughed, ate while telling old stories, and basically pretended to be having the best time, just to get back at Cora and Ashley for how they were treating me.
It definitely got under their skin, but I think the person most affected was my fiancé. He looked pretty jealous, which I have to admit, felt kind of satisfying. But ultimately, Brian did nothing. He let this all happen.
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At the end of the night, I was tired, and when Josh left, I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to the woman who was supposed to become my mother-in-law and said, “I never expected to be treated this way by my soon-to-be husband’s family. Honestly, I’d rather not join this family at all.”
Brian’s jaw slackened, and Ashley had a twinkle in her eye. But I walked out after those words with my head held high.
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The next few days were rough. I was filled with sadness and a little self-doubt. Had I overreacted? Was I being too sensitive?
Maybe Cora and Ashley didn’t do it on purpose. But just when I was spiraling, Brian showed up at my door. He apologized for his and his family’s behavior. He should’ve spoken out and told Ashley to back off or even leave.
I was so relieved that I wasn’t crazy!
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Something even more unexpected happened next. Cora arrived, followed by the rest of Brian’s family! They all apologized and said they had been wrong to invite Ashley and push her on Brian.
Cora even admitted that she’d always been protective of her son because of their family’s money. Ashley came from money too, so she was a safer bet.
After I forgave her, we ended up having a second Christmas celebration at my tiny apartment, and it was actually really nice.
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They Judged My Son for His Lack of Money, But I Had the Last Laugh
Hello! I’m Sam, and my son Will is this amazing kid, kind and loving. Being a single dad isn’t easy, and I definitely made some mistakes. I spoiled him, probably way too much.
I mean, I could afford it because I had made a fortune from an engine sealant I invented. But the downside was that all our money ended up attracting the wrong kind of people to Will.
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When Will decided to go to Yale, he came up with this plan to hide our wealth. He wanted to make real friends, not ones who just liked him for his money.
So, he dressed in scruffy clothes and pretended to be a poor scholarship student. It worked! He made great friends, and later, he met a wonderful girl named Eddy, short for Edwina. They quickly fell head over heels.
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Will proposed, and Eddy said yes. That Thanksgiving, she took him home to meet her parents, Marta and Farlow. He told me they were wealthy and wanted their daughter to marry someone rich, not a scruffy third-year science major.
They were polite to him but clearly disapproved of their relationship.
Still, Eddy insisted we spend Christmas weekend with them at their fancy beach house. But to keep our wealth a secret, we took a bus there, and I purposely dressed in my oldest, most worn-out clothes.
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When Eddy’s dad picked us up, he looked me up and down and practically sneered. He spent the whole ride bragging about his money and how important it was to him. I just smiled and nodded.
The next few days were pretty awful. They were constantly trying to subtly humiliate me, making snide comments about my clothes and implying that Will would never be able to provide Eddy with the lifestyle she was used to.
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I could tell that my future daughter-in-law was furious. At one point, she and her mother went to the kitchen. I went to the bathroom, and on my way back, I overheard their conversation.
She told her mother, “I’m going to marry Will, and Sam’s going to be family, so get used to it.”
Marta angrily retorted, “But darling, the man is a bum! Have you seen his clothes? He’s an embarrassment.”
Eddy shot back, “Believe me, Mom, you are much more of an embarrassment than Sam could ever be!”
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I have to admit, I was pretty proud that my son had found such a good woman. But I wasn’t sure about her parents.
On Christmas Eve, they gave Will and Eddy a brand-new Porsche as an early wedding present. They were so smug about it that I realized they thought they had one-upped me.
But I had a surprise of my own; one I had prepared earlier just because. I gave Eddy an envelope and said, “Will told me you two plan to move to New York after graduation. Finding a place to live in Manhattan isn’t easy, so I hope this helps…”
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Eddy opened the envelope and gasped. Inside was the deed to a brownstone in Tribeca!
Her parents were speechless. “But…but…but…” her dad stammered. “You’re POOR…The way you dress…You took the bus…”
“Well, Farlow,” I said gently. “I want my son to be loved and accepted for himself, not for the $570 million he will eventually inherit from me.”
That shut them up pretty quickly. After that, they couldn’t be nicer to me.
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Will and Eddy got married that next summer, and a few years later, they had a little girl. I even bought a house next door so I could be close to them.
I never liked Marta and Farlow, but I was polite to them because I knew Eddy. I knew that she made my son happy and cared for my granddaughter. That’s all that mattered.
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My Daughter Asked About Santa, and I Broke Down, then a Miracle Happened
I did everything I could for my family, but my husband, John, passed away last year, and I fell apart. He was an amazing father. I still remember when he bought our daughter, Kira, a yellow princess dress and chased her around the house.
We had a blessed and joyful life together, but everything changed after he was gone. It was just the two of us.
The first few months were a blur. I barely remember how we got through them. Friends and family brought food, helped with errands, and offered kind words, but nothing filled the emptiness in our home.
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The silence was deafening, the absence of his laughter a constant ache in my chest. Still, I did my best to hold it together for Kira’s sake. She was only six, and I didn’t want to burden her with the weight of my grief.
But as our first Christmas without him drew closer, it became harder and harder to keep up the facade. The holidays were always John’s favorite time of year.
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He loved the decorations, the carols, the spirit of giving. And most of all, he loved playing Santa for Kira.
Every year, he would disappear on Christmas Eve, only to reappear moments later in a full Santa suit, his beard perfectly white and his belly shaking with laughter. Kira would squeal with delight.
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Those memories were etched in my mind, both precious and painful.
Kira started asking about Santa sooner than I was ready for. I struggled and wondered how to explain that he wasn’t coming that year. I had told her that Daddy was in Heaven, but she didn’t know her father was Santa, too.
So, I changed the subject a lot, but I knew I couldn’t avoid the conversation forever. When we decorated the tree, she said, “I can’t wait to see Santa!”
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My heart broke even more, and I fell asleep trying to rehearse how I would tell her the truth the following day, Christmas Eve.
When evening arrived, I had the words all prepared. We were finishing up some cookies and enjoying the nice crackling fire I had set up to enjoy that night.
“Mommy,” she said suddenly, smiling widely. “Santa will come tonight, right?”
With a sigh, I sat beside her and wrapped her in my arms. “Kira, there’s something I need to tell you about Santa… and Daddy.”
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But my throat got tight. I couldn’t get the words out.
Just then, the doorbell rang. I hesitated, wiping away my tears. Who could that be?
Before I could answer, though, the door burst open! I froze when I heard a familiar “Ho, ho, ho!” My heart nearly stopped as I watched Santa Claus walk toward us.
Kira squealed while I was in shock, but as she ran to hug Santa, I realized who it was: Rick, my brother-in-law.
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Just behind him was Sandra, my best friend. They had gotten together to surprise us. She later told me they figured Kira didn’t need to know the truth about Santa this year.
I couldn’t have been more grateful. My daughter showed Santa the cookies she had baked and the tree we had decorated.
“Isn’t it the prettiest?” she asked.
“It’s the most beautiful tree I’ve ever seen,” Santa replied, giving me a meaningful look.
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For those few precious hours, the pain of loss faded, replaced by pure Christmas joy. Even though my husband was gone, I wasn’t alone. I had my daughter, my friends, and the memory of a love that would last forever. And that was the greatest gift of all.
If you liked these stories, check out this other set about grandparents. Think being a grandparent is all about unconditional love and endless indulgence? Not always. These three shocking tales reveal the challenges, confrontations, and tough love moments that unravel when entitlement clashes with generosity.
This work is inspired by real events and people, but it has been fictionalized for creative purposes. Names, characters, and details have been changed to protect privacy and enhance the narrative. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.
The author and publisher make no claims to the accuracy of events or the portrayal of characters and are not liable for any misinterpretation. This story is provided “as is,” and any opinions expressed are those of the characters and do not reflect the views of the author or publisher.
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