A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
A Boy Visited the Grave of His Adoptive Mother He Resented in Life, and Found an Envelope with His Name on It
13-year-old Stuart built walls around his heart, refusing to accept his adoptive mother’s love. His resentment for her followed her to the grave. One day, he found an envelope addressed to him on her tomb, bearing a truth that shattered his heart and brought him to tears.
The linoleum floor of the children’s shelter squeaked beneath five-year-old Stuart’s worn sneakers. His small fingers clutched a worn teddy bear, its fur matted and faded like a shield against the world’s indifference.
All the other children played joyfully in the background, but Stuart remained isolated. The surrounding joy and laughter felt like sandpaper on an open wound. He saw himself as “unwanted” and resigned himself to a life of loneliness.
A sad little boy holding a teddy bear | Source: Midjourney
His eyes, deep and weary for such a young soul, had seen too much. Countless potential couples had come and gone, but nobody showed any particular interest in adopting him. Either because he was too gloomy and shy, or perhaps because he simply didn’t fit the mold of the ideal adoptive child.
Then one day, a woman named Jennifer arrived at the shelter, and she was immediately drawn to Stuart. Her breath caught in her throat as she watched him. She saw more than just a child. She saw a spirit wounded, and a heart waiting to be understood.
Her life had been a series of challenges: late-night shifts, financial struggles, and the weight of being alone. But something about this boy spoke to her in a language beyond words.
A woman smiling | Source: Midjourney
“Hi there,” she said gently, her voice soft as a whisper, careful not to startle him.
Stuart’s head jerked up, his body tensing. He thought it was going to be another potential disappointment. And another moment of hope about to be crushed.
He’d learned to read adults, their fake smiles, and their rehearsed kindness. His teddy bear pressed tightly against his chest, his only true companion.
“Are you another person who’s just going to look at me and then leave?” Stuart’s voice was small like a fragile growl from a wounded cub.
A sad little boy looking up | Source: Midjourney
Jennifer’s heart broke. She knelt down, moving slowly, understanding that sudden movements could shatter this delicate moment.
“No, not at all, sweetie. I’m Jennifer. And I promise you, I’m not here to just look and leave.”
Stuart’s eyes — those enormous, skeptical eyes — studied her. Years of disappointment had taught him that promises meant nothing.
“Would you like to come home with me?” Jennifer asked, her hand hovering just inches from his, respecting his space.
A battle raged in Stuart’s small heart. Hope versus abandonment. Trust versus heartbreak.
Close-up shot of a compassionate woman extending her hand | Source: Midjourney
“You really want me?” he whispered, tears threatening to spill. “Everybody says I’m a gloomy kid.”
At that moment, Jennifer saw beyond the frightened child. She saw a soul desperate to be loved and belong.
“More than anything in this world,” she replied, her eyes glistening. “More than you could ever know.”
Little did Stuart know that Jennifer wanted him more than he could ever imagine… not just as an adopted child, but as the very heartbeat of her existence.
The teddy bear seemed to squeeze a little less tightly now. A tiny, almost imperceptible crack appeared in Stuart’s protective wall.
A sad little boy with his eyes downcast | Source: Midjourney
Hope, fragile and trembling, began to take root. The adoption was finalized, and Stuart finally found a loving home. However, he refused to accept Jennifer as his mother, building a fort of reluctance around his heart.
She was hurt by his resistance. He wouldn’t even call her “Mom.” Just Jennifer. She hoped that time would heal the wounds.
But the years rolled by like a turbulent river, each moment a test of Jennifer’s love and Stuart’s wounded heart. The shield of isolation the boy had built in the children’s shelter grew taller and more fortified with each passing year.
A boy looking out the window | Source: Midjourney
But Jennifer didn’t give up, and she kept trying, hoping for a miracle.
Homework night was always a battlefield.
“I don’t need your help!” Stuart would argue. His backpack would sail across the room, folders and papers scattering like fallen leaves.
Jennifer remained calm, her hands steady as she collected the fallen papers. “I’m just trying to help you, sweetheart.”
“Don’t call me that!” Stuart’s eyes would blaze. “My real mother would have understood me. She would have known exactly what I needed without me having to explain! You’re NOT my REAL mother.”
The words were a knife, but Jennifer’s love was stronger than the boy’s hatred. She knew each harsh word was another layer of his protection, and another attempt to push away the love he desperately needed but was terrified to accept.
A heartbroken woman | Source: Midjourney
“Your algebra looks challenging,” she said one day, picking up a crumpled worksheet. “Want to talk about it?”
“No!” Stuart, now ten, turned away, his small shoulders rigid with ignorance. “You wouldn’t understand. You’re not—”
“Not your real mom,” Jennifer finished his sentence, a sad smile touching her lips. “I know.”
But her eyes told a different story. Each word he threw was a fragment of a heart trying to protect itself, a child desperate to believe he was unlovable because loving meant risking abandonment again.
A frustrated boy | Source: Midjourney
Later that night, Jennifer sat on the edge of Stuart’s bed. He pretended to be asleep, but she knew better. Her hand hovered over his back, not touching, but close enough to offer comfort.
“I might not be your real mother,” she whispered, “but my love for you is as real as any love can be.”
Stuart’s breath hitched just for a moment.
“Go away,” he mumbled, but there was less anger now. But more hurt. And more vulnerability.
Jennifer’s hurt burned within her. How she wanted to pull him into a hug. How she wanted to explain that her love ran deeper than he could possibly understand. But fear held her back. The fear of losing him forever.
“I’ll always be here,” she said softly before leaving the room. “Always.”
A portrait of an emotional woman | Source: Midjourney
In the darkness, Stuart clutched his old teddy bear — the one from the shelter. The one Jennifer had carefully preserved all these years. A silent witness to a love more complicated than either of them could comprehend.
The night absorbed their unspoken emotions… the love, the pain, and the desperate need to connect yet fear of being lost.
Years fleeted by like leaves on the breeze. Then one day, the diagnosis came like a thunderbolt, splitting Jennifer’s world into a before and after.
Stage four. Terminal cancer.
The doctor’s words echoed in the sterile hospital room, but Jennifer’s mind was anywhere but on herself.
A doctor in her office | Source: Midjourney
Stuart, now 13, sat across from her, his arms crossed, and a wall of teenage indifference masking the storm of emotions brewing beneath.
“I need to talk to you about some important things,” Jennifer began, her voice soft and loving. Her hands trembled slightly as she reached for a notebook comprising a compilation of life lessons, contact information, and love she wanted to leave behind.
“I don’t want to hear it,” Stuart muttered, turning away.
Jennifer’s heart ached. Even now, her son refused to let her in. “Please,” she said, “just listen for a moment.”
A teenage boy frowning in a hospital | Source: Midjourney
She began explaining practical matters — how to do laundry, basic cooking, and managing small household tasks. Each instruction was a love letter disguised as mundane advice.
“You’ll need to learn to take care of yourself after I’m gone, dear,” she explained, sliding the notebook across the table. “Insurance papers are in the blue folder. Emergency contacts are—”
“Stop!” Stuart’s voice erupted, tears threatening to spill over but never falling. “Stop acting like you’re already gone!”
A woman lying in a hospital bed | Source: Pexels
The room fell silent. Jennifer’s eyes were pools of infinite love and unshed tears.
“I’m trying to protect you,” she whispered. “I’ve always been trying to protect you.”
Stuart fled the room, fighting back tears. The thought of being left alone all over again crushed his spirit.
Then, a month later, Jennifer lost her battle with cancer.
At the funeral, Stuart stood like a statue. The world moved around him. People were whispering, crying, and sharing memories. But he remained detached like a marble figure carved from grief and anger.
A grieving teenage boy in a cemetery | Source: Midjourney
Jennifer’s best friend, Carol, watched him carefully. She remembered Jennifer’s final request… a promise made in quiet, desperate moments.
“Promise me you’ll help him understand,” Jennifer had whispered just two days before she died, her hand clutching Carol’s. “Promise me you’ll make sure he knows how much he was loved. Promise me you’ll be there for him and love him like your own.”
Sighing a deep breath, Carol turned to Stuart. His eyes were dry. No tears. No visible emotion. Just a profound emptiness that scared Carol more than any outburst could.
As the casket lowered, something inside the boy began to crack. Not visibly. Not yet. But a fracture had begun… tiny, almost imperceptible, but real.
Somberly dressed men carrying a casket | Source: Pexels
Carol approached Stuart after the service. “Your mother,” she began, “she loved you more than—”
“Don’t,” Stuart cut her off. “Just don’t.”
He returned home, enveloped by a grave silence. Jennifer’s voice, her constant, “Dinner is ready, sweetie!” calls from downstairs, and even the aroma of the pies she used to bake for him haunted Stuart. He walked around the house, tormented by the ghosts of memories.
The last thing Jennifer had written in her diary, tucked away where Stuart would eventually find it, was a simple message:
“My dearest Stuart,
I love you more than you will ever know.
More than words can say.
Always & forever,
Mom”
A diary | Source: Pixabay
Stuart threw the diary on the bed, refusing to cry. But beneath the anger, beneath the wall he’d built, a tiny seed of something had been planted. A seed Jennifer had nurtured with every breath of her life.
Nine days after the funeral, Carol looked frail as she nervously approached Stuart in his room. He was staring at Jennifer’s framed photo on the wall.
“Sweetie,” Carol called out. The boy approached reluctantly.
“Before your mother died,” she said, “she made me promise to do something.” Her fingers, now thin and trembling, gripped his wrist. “Nine days after she was gone, I was to place something at her grave.”
A boy facing the wall | Source: Midjourney
Stuart’s eyes widened. “What is that?”
“You should visit her grave, sweetheart. She left something there just for you.”
Stuart’s eyes filled with tears he forced himself to hold back. “For me? But why there… of all places?”
“Because some truths can only be understood when the heart is ready to listen, dear.”
Mustering the courage, Stuart hurried to the cemetery, his legs slowing down as he approached Jennifer’s grave. Tears welled up in his eyes when he found an envelope on her tomb.
It was pristine. Addressed to him in her familiar, loving handwriting.
An envelope on a tomb | Source: Midjourney
His hands shook as he opened it and began reading:
“From your biological mother.
My dearest Stuart,
The day I gave birth to you, I was a scared 19-year-old girl. Your father, a man who promised me the world, disappeared the moment he learned I was pregnant. I was alone, terrified, with nothing but a broken dream and a baby I loved more than life itself. My heart shattered the day I left you at the shelter’s doorstep.
Those five years you spent there broke my heart into a million pieces. Each night, I would cry, wondering if you were warm, if you were loved, and if you were eating enough. I worked three jobs, saved every penny, just to create a life where I could bring you home.
When I came to adopt you, I saw a boy who had been hurt. Abandoned. Rejected. And I knew I could never tell you the truth. Not then. Not when your wounds were so fresh.
So I became your adoptive mom… the woman who would love you unconditionally. Who would absorb your anger and your hatred. Who would wait patiently for the day you might understand and accept me.
I am not just your adoptive mother. I am your biological mother. I have always been your mother.
I loved you before you were born. I loved you through every harsh word. I love you still… from the beyond.
Forgive me. Please.
Your mother,
Jennifer”
An emotional boy reading a letter in a cemetery | Source: Midjourney
Warm tears splashed onto the paper. Time seemed to stand still as memories flooded back: Jennifer’s endless patience. Her quiet love. The teddy bear she’d kept all these years. Every little thing.
“MOM!” Stuart whispered, his voice breaking free of the emotions he’d been holding all these years. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
His fingers traced the gravestone. The wind seemed to wrap around him like a mother’s embrace.
“I love you,” he sobbed. “I always loved you. I just didn’t know how to show it. I was afraid of losing you. Of being abandoned again. I didn’t do it intentionally. And I… I didn’t know that you were my real mother. I’m sorry.”
A boy crying in a cemetery | Source: Midjourney
Silence surrounded him. Then, a gentle gust of breeze caressed his cheek. It felt like Jennifer was patting him. A small smile lit up Stuart’s face as he carefully tucked the letter back into the envelope. He leaned and planted a soft kiss on the gravestone, whispering, “Love you, Mom.”
From that day onward, Stuart visited his mother’s grave daily. Not out of obligation. But out of a love finally understood. A love that had waited, patient and unconditional, through every harsh word and every moment of rejection. A love that would continue… unbroken and forever.
A grieving boy holding a bouquet of white lilies in a cemetery | Source: Midjourney
This work is inspired by real events and people, but it has been fictionalized for creative purposes. Names, characters, and details have been changed to protect privacy and enhance the narrative. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.
The author and publisher make no claims to the accuracy of events or the portrayal of characters and are not liable for any misinterpretation. This story is provided “as is,” and any opinions expressed are those of the characters and do not reflect the views of the author or publisher.
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