I was stunned when my husband, Jake, handed me a schedule to help me “become a better wife.” But instead of blowing up, I played along. Little did Jake know, I was about to teach him a lesson that would make him rethink his newfound approach to marriage.
I’ve always prided myself on being the level-headed one in our marriage. Jake, bless his heart, could get swept up in things pretty easily, whether it was a new hobby, or some random YouTube video that promised to change his life in three easy steps.
But we were solid until Jake met Steve. Steve was the type of guy who thought being loudly opinionated made him right, the type that talks right over you when you try to correct him.
He was also a perpetually single guy (who could have guessed?), who graciously dispensed relationship advice to all his married colleagues, Jake included. Jake should’ve known better, but my darling husband was positively smitten with Steve’s confidence.
I didn’t think much of it until Jake started making some noxious comments.
“Steve says relationships work best when the wife takes charge of the household,” he’d say. Or “Steve thinks it’s important for women to look good for their husbands, no matter how long they’ve been married.”
I’d roll my eyes and reply with some sarcastic remark, but it was getting under my skin. Jake was changing. He’d arch his eyebrows if I ordered takeout instead of cooking, and sigh when I let the laundry pile up because, God forbid, I had my own full-time job.
And then it happened. One night, he came home with The List.
He sat me down at the kitchen table, unfolded a piece of paper, and slid it across to me.
“I’ve been thinking,” he started, his voice dripping with a condescending tone I hadn’t heard from him before. “You’re a great wife, Lisa. But there’s room for improvement.”
My eyebrows shot up. “Oh really?”
He nodded, oblivious to the danger zone he was entering. “Yeah. Steve helped me realize that our marriage could be even better if you, you know, stepped up a bit.”
I stared at the paper in front of me. It was a schedule… and he’d written “Lisa’s Weekly Routine for Becoming a Better Wife” at the top in bold.
This guy had actually sat down and mapped out my entire week based on what Steve — a single guy with zero relationship experience — thought I should do to “improve” myself as a wife.
I was supposed to wake up at 5 a.m. every day to make Jake a gourmet breakfast. Then I’d hit the gym for an hour to “stay in shape.”
After that? A delightful lineup of chores: cleaning, laundry, ironing. And that was all before I left for work. I was supposed to cook a meal from scratch every evening and make fancy snacks for Jake and his friends when they came over to hang out at our place.
The whole thing was sexist and insulting on so many levels I didn’t even know where to start. I ended up staring at him, wondering if my husband had lost his mind.
“This will be great for you, and us,” he continued, oblivious.
“Steve says it’s important to maintain structure, and I think you could benefit from —”
“I could benefit from what?” I interrupted, my voice dangerously calm. Jake blinked, caught off guard by the interruption, but he recovered quickly.
“Well, you know, from having some guidance and a schedule.”
I wanted to throw that paper in his face and ask him if he’d developed a death wish. Instead, I did something that surprised even me: I smiled.
“You’re right, Jake,” I said sweetly. “I’m so lucky that you made me this schedule. I’ll start tomorrow.”
The relief on his face was instant. I almost felt sorry for him as I got up and stuck the list on the fridge. Almost. He had no idea what was coming.
The next day, I couldn’t help but smirk as I studied the ridiculous schedule again. If Jake thought he could hand me a list of “improvements,” then he was about to find out just how much structure our life could really handle.
I pulled out my laptop, opened up a fresh document, and titled it, “Jake’s Plan for Becoming the Best Husband Ever.” He wanted a perfect wife? Fine. But there was a cost to perfection.
Advertisement
I began by listing all the things he had suggested for me, starting with the gym membership he was so keen on. It was laughable, really.
“$1,200 for a personal trainer.” I typed, barely containing my giggle.
Next came the food. If Jake wanted to eat like a king, that wasn’t happening on our current grocery budget. Organic, non-GMO, free-range everything? That stuff didn’t come cheap.
“$700 per month for groceries,” I wrote. He’d probably need to chip in for a cooking class too. Those were pricey, but hey, perfection wasn’t free.
I leaned back in my chair, laughing to myself as I imagined Jake’s face when he saw this. But I wasn’t done. Oh no, the pièce de résistance was still to come.
See, there was no way I could juggle all these expectations while holding down my job. If Jake wanted me to dedicate myself full-time to his absurd routine, then he’d have to compensate for the loss of my income.
I pulled up a calculator, estimating the value of my salary. Then, I added it to the list, complete with a little note: “$75,000 per year to replace Lisa’s salary since she will now be your full-time personal assistant, maid, and chef.”
My stomach hurt from laughing at this point.
And just for good measure, I threw in a suggestion about him needing to expand the house. After all, if he was going to have his friends over regularly, they’d need a dedicated space that wouldn’t intrude on my newly organized, impossibly structured life.
“$50,000 to build a separate ‘man cave’ so Jake and his friends don’t disrupt Lisa’s schedule.”
By the time I was done, the list was a masterpiece. A financial and logistical nightmare, sure, but a masterpiece nonetheless. It wasn’t just a counterattack — it was a wake-up call.
I printed it out, set it neatly on the kitchen counter, and waited for Jake to come home. When he finally walked through the door that evening, he was in a good mood.
“Hey, babe,” he called out, dropping his keys on the counter. He spotted the paper almost immediately. “What’s this?”
I kept my face neutral, fighting the urge to laugh as I watched him pick it up. “Oh, it’s just a little list I put together for you,” I said sweetly, “to help you become the best husband ever.”
Jake chuckled, thinking I was playing along with his little game. But as he scanned the first few lines, the grin started to fade. I could see the wheels turning in his head, the slow realization that this wasn’t the lighthearted joke he thought it was.
“Wait… what is all this?” He squinted at the numbers, his eyes widening as he saw the total costs. “$1,200 for a personal trainer? $700 a month for groceries? What the hell, Lisa?”
I leaned against the kitchen island, crossing my arms.
“Well, you want me to wake up at 5 a.m., hit the gym, make gourmet breakfasts, clean the house, cook dinner, and host your friends. I figured we should budget for all of that, don’t you think?”
His face turned pale as he flipped through the pages. “$75,000 a year? You’re quitting your job?!”
I shrugged. “How else am I supposed to follow your plan? I can’t work and be the perfect wife, right?”
He stared at the paper, dumbfounded.
The numbers, the absurdity of his own demands, it all hit him at once. His smugness evaporated, replaced by a dawning realization that he had seriously, seriously messed up.
“I… I didn’t mean…” Jake stammered, looking at me with wide eyes. “Lisa, I didn’t mean for it to be like this. I just thought —”
“You thought what? That I could ‘improve’ myself like some project?” My voice was calm, but the hurt behind it was real. “Jake, marriage isn’t about lists or routines. It’s about respect. And if you ever try to ‘fix’ me like this again, you’ll be paying a hell of a lot more than what’s on that paper.”
Silence hung in the air, thick and uncomfortable. Jake’s face softened, his shoulders slumping as he let out a deep sigh.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t realize how ridiculous it was. Steve made it sound sensible, but now I see it’s… it’s toxic. Oh God, I’ve been such a fool.”
I nodded, watching him carefully. “Yes, you have. Honestly, have you looked at Steve’s life? What makes you think he has the life experience to give you advice about marriage? Or anything else?”
The look on his face as my words hit home was priceless.
“You’re right. And he could never afford to live like this.” He slapped the list with the back of his hand. “He… he has no idea about the costs involved, or how demeaning this is. Oh, Lisa, I got carried away again, didn’t I?”
“Yes, but we’ll recover. Now, let’s tear that paper up and go back to being equals.”
He smiled weakly, the tension breaking just a little. “Yeah… let’s do that.”
We ripped up the list together, and for the first time in weeks, I felt like we were back on the same team.
Maybe this was what we needed, a reminder that marriage isn’t about one person being “better” than the other. It’s about being better together.
amie Lee Curtis overwhelmed with grief makes the heart-wrenching announcement
About her close friend and Curb Your Enthusiasm star Richard Lewis, who passed away on Tuesday at the age of 76 after a heart attack, Jamie Lee Curtis shared some very heartbreaking remarks.
The comedian and the 65-year-old actress, who portrayed the witch in Halloween, costarred in the sitcom Anything But Love for four seasons between 1989 and 1992.
After learning the tragic news of the actor’s passing on Wednesday, she shared a post on her personal Instagram profile. The first person to break the news was Bette Midler.
Curtis hailed the late singer in a lengthy statement for being “the reason I am sober” after sharing a number of vintage photos of the two of them.
Jamie battled an opiate addiction before celebrating 25 years sober this month.
“I recently found out about the passing of my friend Richard Lewis.” I can still clearly picture myself standing on Sunset Boulevard, staring at a poster advertising a stand-up special featuring him. I urged the casting staff to bring him in to try out for the role of Marty Gold, my best friend and potential boyfriend, during the ABC pilot Anything But Love casting process.
“I felt he had a good look.” It isn’t something a strong woman can really accomplish for herself, but someone made me giggle. He mispronounced the word “bundt cake,” but he still played the part, which made me laugh aloud.
Jamie remarked, “He blew everyone else away.” They added in their response that “the chemistry with Richard was so great,” even if they decided not to pick up the pilot for the love triangle show. Might we rework the initial pilot? We ultimately produced the show for two years in this manner.
He performed stand-up comedy as well, but he detested doing stand-up in front of actual audiences. I, however, thought it was fantastic.
In close-up, he would conceal his markings on door frames, objects, and even my face. He also carried a clipboard with his lines scribbled on it at all times. It turns out that he was a really good part actor. It’s hilarious and profound.
“We grieved together over the deaths of our friend and producer John Ritter as well as our friend and co-star Richard Frank,” she remarked.
“Richard expressed his desire for me to obtain another boxed set of show episodes from ABC/Disney in his most recent text message to me,” the actress said to her followers.
“He is also the reason I am sober,” Jamie continued. He was helpful to me. I shall always be appreciative of his kindness.
“He found love with Joyce, and that, of course, along with being sober, was what mattered most to him,” she stated when they discussed his wife Joyce Lapinsky. Writing this brings tears to my eyes.
It’s an odd way to express gratitude to a kind and humorous man. Richard, I hope you laugh till you die. Hannah exclaimed, “My Marty, I love you!” at the conclusion.
Jamie expressed her sadness over the passing of her longtime friend and former co-star in a second post.
She also included a line or two from the Anything But Love theme tune and another old photo of herself with Lewis.
“The great singer-songwriter JD Souther wrote this beautiful theme song for the third and final season of the TV show ANYTHING BUT LOVE, which aired on ABC for a few years,” Curtis said.
Look it up on YouTube and give it a listen. If not, I’ve recorded it for you right here. I’m presenting these to my buddy Richard Lewis today.
She revealed lyrics that read, “We would still be searching for the next big thing and trying not to fall… If we had never met/And the world got on without us/Just as if we were never that at all.”
“Hearts that beat like thunder and anything but love will do”Everything but love would be sufficient for everyone but you.
Celebrities and users of social media, including Larry David, who co-stars on Curb Your Enthusiasm, paid respect to the late Richard Lewis.
He told HBO, “He’s been like a brother to me for most of my life.” “In the same hospital, Richard and I were born three days apart.”
It doesn’t happen very frequently, but he was the sweetest and funniest guy at the same time. “But today he made me cry, and I’ll never forgive him for that,” the comic said in an interview with Variety.
Working alongside Lewis on the popular show, Cheryl Hines stated, “I had the biggest crush on Richard Lewis when I was young.”
“No one was cuter or more attractive on stage than him.” Then, a dream come true, I got to work with him on Curb Your Enthusiasm.
“I became more knowledgeable about Richard and his gifts as time went on.” He was humorous, which is why I fell in love with him, but he was also one of the kindest individuals I’ve ever met.
Cheryl stated, “He would take the time to tell the people he loved how much they meant to him, especially in the last few years.” In between takes on Curb, he told me how much he loved me and how essential I was to him.
“To have Richard Lewis love you.” An actual present. I adore you, Richard. You will be missed. I adore you, Joyce, and Richard’s entire family. Richard, Lawrence, cherished you.But you already know that.
Leave a Reply