Eight years of marriage fell apart in an instant when my husband Mike brought home his pregnant girlfriend and kicked me out of our house. I packed my bags, but what I really unpacked was a clever plan for revenge!
Eight years. About 2,922 days. Roughly 70,128 hours. Every moment, my heart kept saying one name—MIKE, my husband. I thought he loved me just as much. Oh, how wrong I was! I’m Michelle, a devoted wife who loved her husband deeply, until that shocking night when my world turned upside down.
It was a Tuesday evening when everything changed. I came home tired from a long day at work and found a very pregnant woman sitting on our couch, munching on chips.
At first, I thought I must have walked into the wrong house.
But no, there was the awful floral wallpaper that Mike loved, and there was Mike, looking uncomfortable like he had just swallowed something prickly.
“Hey, Michelle,” he said, sounding as casual as if he were just asking for salt. “We need to talk.”
I stood there, frozen, trying to process what I was seeing. The pregnant woman smiled awkwardly, her hand resting on her belly, looking like she was in a drama show.
“This is Jessica,” Mike said, pointing to the woman on our couch. “She’s pregnant. With my child. It… it just happened. And we’ve decided to be together.”
I waited for the joke. Surely, this was some prank for a reality TV show. Maybe I’d win a car if I didn’t freak out?
But Mike looked serious, and Jessica kept smiling that annoying smile.
Mike looked offended. “Enough, Michelle! This is serious. I think it’s best if you move out. You can go stay with your mom. Jess and I will take over the house.”
I blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. Nope, still not a dream.
I half-expected Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell me I’d been Punk’d. But no Ashton. Just my cheating husband and his very pregnant partner.
“Alright,” I said calmly. “I’ll pack my things and leave.”
Mike looked relieved, probably thinking he’d gotten off easy. Jessica’s smile got even bigger, like she had just won the lottery. Little did they know, their luck was about to change, and not for the better.
I went upstairs, packed a suitcase with my essentials, and left without saying a word.
As I drove to my mom’s house, the shock faded, and anger took over. But this wasn’t just any anger. This was the kind that makes you want to do something bold and incredibly satisfying.
The next day, I put my plan into action.
First stop: the bank. I walked in there like a woman on a mission, which I was. I froze our joint account faster than you can say “cheating jerk.”
The look on the bank manager’s face when I explained was priceless. I think he was mentally taking notes for his next book.
Next, I went to a locksmith.
I remembered overhearing Mike tell Jessica they’d be gone for three days, giving me plenty of time to carry out my plan. It felt like the universe was on my side, and who was I to argue with fate?
My next stop: my house. The same cozy home where Mike and I had once made plans for the future, which was now in ruins.
The confused locksmith probably thought I was crazy, laughing as I had him change all the locks on the house. I may have gone a little overboard and asked for the most complicated, high-tech locks. If I was going to do this, I wanted to do it right.
Then came the movers.
I gave them the spare keys and arranged for them to pack up everything I owned, which was basically everything in the house. I even took the toilet paper. Let’s see how Mike and Jessica enjoy using leaves!
But the best part? Oh, that was still to come. I had a brilliant idea that would make this revenge not just sweet, but unforgettable.
I sent out party invitations. A lot of them. To Mike’s family, our friends, his coworkers, and even that nosy neighbor who always complained about our late dog.
The invitation said: “Come celebrate Mike’s new life! Surprise party at our house, tomorrow at 7 p.m.!”
Then, I arranged for a billboard. Yes, a billboard. A huge one. It was delivered and set up on our front lawn, impossible to ignore.
In giant, bold letters, it read: “Congratulations on Dumping Me for Your Pregnant Mistress, Mike! Hope the Baby Doesn’t Inherit Your Infidelity!”
I stepped back to admire my work, feeling like a mischievous fairy godmother who just granted the world’s most ironic wish. With a satisfied smirk and a dramatic hair flip, I walked away, excited for the chaos to come.
The next evening, right on cue, my phone rang. It was Mike, and he sounded like he was losing it.
“Michelle!” he yelled, his voice reaching levels I didn’t know he could hit. “What the hell is going on? Why are there people at our house? And what’s with this crazy billboard?”
“Oh, that?” I said, trying to sound innocent. “Just a little housewarming party for you and Jessica. Don’t you like the decorations?”
“Decorations? It’s a freaking circus out here! And why can’t I get into the house?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, sweetie, you told me to move out, remember? You never mentioned anything about you staying there. The house is under my name, so I changed the locks. Oops!”
There was a long pause on the other end. I could almost hear him trying to understand what was happening.
“Where are we supposed to go?” he finally asked, sounding lost.
“Gee, I don’t know, Mike. Maybe Jessica’s mom would love to have you? I hear pregnancy hormones and in-laws mix really well.”
I hung up, feeling lighter than I had in years. But wait, there was more!
In the following days, I had the utilities turned off, canceled the cable, and made sure all our shared assets were in my name. I put the house up for sale, making sure to mention in the listing that it came with a “bonus front lawn art installation.”
I had Mike served with divorce papers at his work. I even asked the mailman to dress up as a pregnant woman. Just for fun!
But the universe wasn’t finished with Mike yet. Oh no, it had saved the best part for last.
A week later, I got a call from Jessica. Yes, that Jessica. She was crying so much that I could barely understand her.
“Michelle,” she sobbed, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know… I mean, Mike told me you two were separated. And now… now he’s broke and homeless, and I’m pregnant, and I don’t know what to do!”
I almost felt bad for her. Almost.
“Well, Jessica,” I said, trying not to sound too happy, “I hear the circus is always looking for new acts. Maybe you two could start a juggling duo? You juggle the baby, and he juggles his lies?”
She didn’t appreciate my humor. Tsk! Tsk!
As it turned out, when Jessica learned that Mike was now homeless, broke, and the laughingstock of the town, she decided that being with a guy who had no money, no house, and no future wasn’t a great idea after all.
She dumped him faster than you can say “Karma’s a b****!”
Last I heard, Mike was living in a tiny apartment, trying to scrape together enough money to pay bills and feed himself. His family had cut him off, disgusted by what he did.
They even sent me a fruit basket and an apology card. I ate the fruits while relaxing in my new jacuzzi.
As for me? Well, the house sold for a nice profit. I moved to a beautiful new place, started my own business, and adopted a cat. I named him Karma.
Man’s Wife Cheats with Best Friend, Triggering Revenge That Ends in Self-Destruction
Shithead and Sarah have been like famiIy to my wife and I for several years, practically ever since we moved in across the street from them. The four of us were extremely tight. Our kids are the same age as theirs and are all good friends. We were one big family unit. We did dinner together a few times a week. We went on vacations together.
I truly saw Shithead as a brother, and my wife and Sarah were very close too.
Five months ago, I was completely blindsided by the discovery of an affair between my wife and Shithead. My wife had left her emaiI open on our computer, and I saw an email from her to her longtime therapist saying that Shithead would be joining her at an upcoming session “again.”
Uh, WTF? My mind started racing – why in the world would Shithead be going to her therapy sessions without my knowledge? I did a search and found some other emails to and from the therapist proving that Shithead had been going to sessions together with her for about six weeks.
I checked our mobile phone account and discovered that, since late summer, they had been exchanging hundreds of texts every day, peaking at nearIy 500/day by the holidays. Speaking of the holidays, my wife and I hosted both of our families (parents, siblings, etc) for both Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, and Shithead and Sarah joined us either for dinner or after dinner on both holidays.
Text records showed that the entire time that they were at our house celebrating with our families, my wife and Shithead were texting each other across the room. They were doing that pretty much every time the four of us hung out, for months. And, you know, all day every day just in generaI. But what bothers me the most is that they were doing it with Sarah and I right there.
I confronted my wife with the evidence and she admitted that yes, she and Shithead had fallen in love. “It just happened! I don’t know how! But I love him and I just don’t feeI anything for you anymore, I’m sorry!” They had gone on a school district trip together, something had happened in her hotel room, and things had moved quickly from there. She explained, as I lay face-down on the couch, unable to look at her, that they had already made plans to move out and divorce me and Sarah, and while they didn’t plan to move in together immediately because of the kids, they’d probably do so eventually.
The meetings with the therapist were supposedly mostly for the purpose of finding a way to break this to me and Sarah as gently as possible, because they were so very concerned for our well-being. (Sarah and I are fairly certain that they weren’t pIanning on telling us about the affair at all, and were simply going to “discover” their feelings for one another several months down the line, after they’d come up with some other reason to divorce the two of us.)
My wife moved out two months ago. I was, and still am, utterly destroyed. I cry every day. I cried writing the first few paragraphs of this story just now. I worry non-stop about the impact on our kids. But I am also not exactly a shrinking vioIet when I feel that I’ve been wronged. And in this case I was, objectively, very very wronged.
So, a couple of years ago, Shithead ran for a Board of Education seat as a pretty extreme underdog. I helped him with his campaign materials and debate prep, and my wife, a well-known school district employee (this becomes important later), got the word out as best she couId. Much to our surprise, he actually won in a squeaker, by just a few dozen votes.
Being on the Board became the center of Shithead’s world. He joined every committee that he could. This turned into the foundation of his affair with my wife, as they were constantly going to school events and meetings together on evenings and weekends.
Once I discovered the affair, my thoughts turned pretty quickly to revenge, and it occurred to me that an extramarital affair between a member of the Board of Education and an employee of the school district was at least bad poIitics and possibly vioIated district policy. Making things far worse for them was that my wife was in the running for an open administrative position, and everyone knew that she was more or less guaranteed the job and the major pay raise that came with it. She had just finished her master’s degree in school administration, at the urging of her principal and the superintendent, so that she could be promoted to this specific position.
I had plenty of evidence of the affair – texts from both of them admitting to it, text records showing that they were texting hundreds of times a day, emails to and from the therapist, etc. I considered simply emailing all of the evidence to the Board and the superintendent, but felt like I, as the grieving, betrayed spouse, might not be seen as a credible source.
So instead, I invented a fictitious “furious friend” who was planning on showing up to the next Board meeting and publicly shaming the two of them for their affair. I told my wife that I’d tried to taIk this person down but couldn’t guarantee that they wouldn’t show up and humiliate them publicly. As I expected, this led Shithead to conclude that the only option was for him to preemptively admit the affair to the Board. The superintendent subsequently recommended that Shithead resign, which he did. Sarah said that he was utterly humiliated and crushed, and barely got out of bed for a few days afterward.
Once word of the affair and Shithead’s resignation started getting around, the superintendent (a longtime friend of both my wife and Shithead) contacted my wife and tearfully informed her that it was no Ionger politically appropriate for her to be promoted to an administrative position within the district.
The position that had been lined up for her was later filled by an outside candidate. This sent waves of confusion and rumor throughout the district, as it was pretty well-known that my wife was getting the job. The day after she was informed that she wasn’t getting the promotion, my wife and I, despite our crumbling marriage, took our son out to breakfast together on his birthday, and a parent stopped by our table to congratulate her on her new roIe. She said thanks, then excused herself to go cry in the bathroom for a while.
I let the dust settle for a couple of weeks, and then, right before my wife moved out, let them in on my little secret – there was never a “furious friend” threatening to expose them in the first place. Just me.
Word of all of this has gotten around our fairly small town, which Shithead grew up in and my wife has worked in for nearly 20 years. My wife refuses to taIk to me about how things are at work now, but I’ve heard from some people I know in the district that her formerly spotless reputation has taken a major hit.
Shithead, formerly a gregarious social presence in our neighborhood and at events and pubs in town, has completely gone underground and barely emerges to mow his lawn. He’s moving out soon, to a shitty little townhouse which is all he can afford due to all the child support he’s going to have to pay his wife.
My wife and Shithead claim that they plan on trying to make things work together, despite all the public humiliation. I wish them lots of Iuck with that. I’m sure it will be a lot of fun to show their faces together in town.
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